We all know that writing can be therapeutic, and for me this is more true than I ever realized. As you may have deduced, I have serious social anxiety. I am claustrophobic and germophobic, I have legitimately been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder due to PTSD, and I am a closet introvert. Ultimately I have at least 4 solid reasons why strangers scare the hell out of me. Blogging about the train has forced me to look at things with a certain sense of humor. I have had to come to terms with the fact that even though I am a strong woman, I have anxiety. I have had to accept and confront underlying fears that I didn’t even know were there.
The train has the perfect recipe for a panic attack. It is crowded with loud, sick, crazy, rude, and even a few wonderful people (but that’s like finding that famous red and white striped shirt in a Where’s Waldo book!) I get on the train knowing all of the stories that I have heard about scary or disgusting things happening on public transportation. I am surrounded by people. My facial expressions look VERY much like Elaine from Seinfield when people start coughing around me. It terrifies me. My heart begins to race. I start looking for an exit plan and inch closer to healthy people. I don’t mean to make the most disgusted face humanly possible, but I do.
It isn’t just the germs, though. My mom would tell you that I have always needed my own personal space. I need to breathe my own air. I need to be left alone with my whirlwind of racing thoughts until I can process through them privately before revealing them to others. (Hence the writing- thank God for the backspace key!) I would wear spikes if I thought it would help keep people away. (I am suddenly realizing that I might have been a porcupine in my last life.) I find myself admiring people who come up with creative ways to ensure personal space. I have two new heroes in life. They are the girl with the expandable dress and the girl who fought Swine Flu in 2009 with the Personal Space Protector.
And while you might be tempted to argue the fashion sense of said individuals, it is arguably less alienating than the official Sheldon look, which I completely relate to. Social anxiety is the real deal. It isn’t just about the fact that I don’t want you to give me The Plague. It isn’t just about the reality that I don’t know you and you’re in my space. I might even seem fidgety or dramatic, but the truth is, I can’t breathe!!!! I’m not panicking because I can’t feel my earlobes, I am panicking because I can’t find oxygen, and last I checked, it was still a vital part of my existence.
For me, the key to coping with this inward insanity is a recipe of 2 parts humor, 1 part sarcasm, and 1 part big girl panties (only preferably ones that fit). Somethings I just have to suck it up and get over it. I know this. Somethings, however, I cope with through observing people and finding the humor, or at least finding humorous ways to help you understand what is happening in my head.
Presumably, there are other anxious travelers in the world who feel what I feel and just don’t have the words to express it, or maybe anxiety + sarcasm = remedy, I am not sure. Regardless, that is why I am here, with you, and why you are reading this, and hopefully laughing a little, and maybe, just maybe,even relating a little, too.
I am working from home today, my inner recluse is doing the happy dance. Happy traveling my friends, have a great weekend!
Love your site and your writing!
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thank you so much!!!!!
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I am very similar to you, PTSD mostly. Isn’t blogging the best?? Thank you so much for sharing!!!
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yes! I am so glad that I am able to express myself here openly!
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I agree, the train can be very nerve wracking,nice post
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Thank you!!!
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Gosh bless you that must be so hard. I’m currently struggling with anxiety but it is nowhere near as difficult as you find it. I really hope that you’re able to find strategies to overcome. Sounds like writing is great for you. You did it well and this is a fascinating read. A real insight. Looking forward to reading more and really glad I found your blog. Xx
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Thank you for sharing this journey with me!!!!
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Love your writing Andria I hope writing helps concert your anxieties.
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Thank you for sharing this journey with me!!!!
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I feel for you. It must be horrible to do that commute daily knowing you have these anxieties. Then again, it also shows how much of a strong woman you are! 🙂 Well done!
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Thank you Dean! It is funny how quickly you bond with people to get through it all! I am glad you guys are here and reading!
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It’s lovely to discover new blogs too! 🙂 x
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I completely agree 🙂
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This is a great post. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you!
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I am an introvert no closet big enough for my crazy lol i also have general anxiety because i’m a woman lol.. my hubby read your blog the other night he loved it couldnt stop laughing
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Hahahahaha!!!! Laughing so hard at “no closet big enough!!!!!!”
Tell your hubby that I am glad he laughed!!!!
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Oh i will and btw he read all of them!
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hahahahahahaha that’s hilarious!
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