I don’t know how to tell you this…

I don’t know how to tell you this, there really isn’t a nice way to say it. It is one of those thoughts that I am supposed to keep inside (I’ve heard of those people who have super-human ability to have thoughts and not express them.) I got on the train and well, there is an awkward man in my seat. He looks harmless enough at first, and yet, he seems agitated. He is dressed in business clothes, his hair is combed neatly. While he is a little Monk-ish,  and I like Monk. I hesitate to sit down, but he looks up, and I realize, he is actually more like Anthony Hopkins in Silence of The Lambs, only without the beautiful accent. So while I would usually go up to the 4-person table with mock confidence and say, ‘Excuse me, may I sit here?” I have a creepy feeling about Awkward Guy and I don’t know if he kicks kittens or eats small children. There is the possibility that he the nicest awkward man in the world. It could really go either way. I am not in a risk taking kind of mood.

Afterall, it is not exactly MY table, but I like routines, and a space to call my own, and while it is completely illogical and some would call one’s own personal traveling space, well… they would call it a car, and I know this… but I feel a certain sense of ownership towards my own personal 4-person table… not because I am selfish… but because I have, after all, thoroughly cleaned that area with Lysol wipes (another character trait that has probably landed me a spot on someone else’s blog.) There are times I question my own social-emotional well being.

See, the table provides a hard boundary between me and the person across from me. I have been joined by a member of the mafia…I can’t help but think of my dad right now. Mafia man is wearing a Chicago Cubs Letterman style jacket and holding keys to a Ford. My dad would say that Cubs fans and Ford drivers are the scariest kinds of people- take your chances with the guy who eats children! (He would also tell me that the he HAS to ride the train because his Ford broke down.) Back to the mafia man… he has acid burns on his hands… I think it is how he disposes of the bodies. He has Angry Bird eyebrows and he is reading a book, and the only things I can see is the back cover that is talking about “carefuly plotted murders,” can we revisit the acid burns on his hands now?

I think I have ADD. I am sure none of you are surprised by this revelation. The last five minutes have gone like this, “I bet he has killed people” I see a makeshift tent in the woods through the window, “Wow… people live out there in the cold, that’s tragic..” I overhear the medical community talking to Small Town Girl visiting a local hospital via the train and as they discuss her ailments I am now contemplating the ramifications of riding the train in a hazmat suit.

She is a mother of four. Another guy says he has kidney stones coming out of his ears. She doesn’t know what the strange rash is. I am still stuck on the anatomical impossibility of kidney stones in his ears. I am not a doctor, but I think this means you are dying. I am sorry. My prayers are with your family. Oh another stop, I wonder if Mafia Man is leaving… nope he’s not. These people are loud. Every stop Small Town Girl says, “where are we!?!?!?!?!? what stop is this?????” Her medical community clan laughs at her. I am still scared of his lobal kidney stones. Did I miss that part of anatomy? I am pretty sure that the ear canal is NOT part of the urinary tract. Why is nobody else addressing this problem?

Now they are passing pictures around of their children. I pretend to not hear them. I don’t look at strangers’ children because I am not nice enough to tell them their child is cute when he or she actually looks like Quasimodo. I am sure their children are lovely, just be cautious of the response, “Oh wow they look just like you.” I don’t have to finish that thought, you get the point.

 

*As always- names and minor details have been changed for my personal protection.